Being Pathetic

The littlest violin begins to play...

I've had to endure the dumb argument of, "fair is fair."  It's actually, "Fair is fair to you."  I'm a fool, and I've bought into it a few times, thinking I wasn't allowed to earn things or do things because I'm unworthy.  They'll flash their 150, and they'll expect me to bow down when they've done nothing but demand some sort of birthright.

You have to pay for the ice cream.   I don't have to buy it for you, and you don't get my place in line.

Like many others, the public education system caught me in hard times, and I was forced into remedial classes and extra help, which basically made my homework time explode, and it scrambled my brain with an array of subjects. 

Why was I in special ed?  It was the same vanity of a deception others feel is fair. 

What happened was I was in an experimental class in first grade.  They taught us to read by sight and not phonetics.  Sight takes longer to catch onto, and it makes spelling uber special sometimes.  They took my IQ and found it was 130, but I was performing horribly.

I love the basement.

I couldn't read.  They kept giving me more and more assignments, keeping me in the grade with normal kids, just because some moron in charge didn't bother to ask why I couldn't spell things out. 

My second grade teacher also hated my grandma, and she took it out on me.  My clothes' pin was always rising up on the punishment chart for things like, "Not finding a place in line."  I was usually in the special room, but I came back for lunch and had no idea how we were to line up. 

I also had a lot of family problems, including incest, alcohol, verbal abuse, drugs and neglect.  I won't get into it.

I eventually went crazy, and the school got involved again.

I've tried many times to escape my fate, but I'm not strong enough.

I used to go psycho about intelligence and fair is fair.  I've learned it doesn't matter.  It's best to distance myself away from harm.  I don't have to do it anymore. 

Yes, I matter.  I am not going to worship you.

Vent over...

Everyone has a least one crazy member, been abused somehow and spent time in the river against the current. 

Not My Nature and Strangers

So, I thought I would bitch for a minute. 

Like you guys, some of my relatives drive me crazy.  I've often vented on other people, like friends, and I came out as the "victim."  Basically, no one wants to hear me whine about it.  Okay. I've distanced myself away from certain people in my family, as I enjoy breathing.  There is a problem with part of my family where they have no fear and don't pay attention to what is around them, nor do they know how dangerous certain situations are. 

Over the years, I've had to balance my family's lies.  Strangers pick and chose what they say and bash me with it as a power game.  My childhood would read like a VC Andrews novel.  I'm not writing it.  It sucked enough.

Also, another annoyance is when strangers step into my personal life knowing little about me. Cough. Putin.  I get to hear how I owe this or that or how I've never suffered.  I used to make the stupid mistake of telling them what went on.

  I burst their bubbles.

Marilyn Manson played that card on me.  I always fall for it, too.  It makes me mad.  Here I am again.
I wish I would have had an easier ascent into adulthood, but things didn't go properly.  I got cheated with a smile and denial. 

I tried everything.

I'd been hoping I would some day have my own voice, but I don't.  I have to chew on shit.  The strangers make it their way, and my relatives will agree to an insane amount of tough love.

I empathize with Otto, the kid who was destroyed in North Korea.  I know what happened to him, and it almost happened to me. 

Thanks.

I go off because it pisses me off, but I can't feel it nor deal with the general populations and their lies.  I would tell them to fuck off, but they usually have some authority they're abusing, and they get me either way.  Anyone can fall into their definitions.  I partied last time.

I'm a favorite.   

I want the settlement from Putin.  You can be my special helper.