I am very, very, very weak

I've made the mistake that Michael Jackson did a few times. He wrote a song. It's called listen to, "Beat it!"

You won't win.  Most people think they can talk themselves out of anything. LOL  The world isn't so civil.

If you don't run, bow and cower you will be destroyed.  I tried to escape this time, but I couldn't run fast enough. 

I have no ties into the system, have few friends, I'm a parasite (because I'm not allowed to compete), my voice is meaningless, and I'm bones and flesh.  I will break to pieces if force is applied.

Nobody will care.  They're trained to drug me.

Watching protests is weird to me.  It's also weird to see people have differing beliefs, and they stand up and nothing bad happens to them.  Meanwhile, I get to enjoy a session of "Beat It' if I attempt to stand for anything.  According to Madonna from "A Bedtime Story," I'll never explain again.  Where's my opinion book and slotted profession?

Next time: I'm hungry and cold.  Big time explaining there.  Oh, and I thought Putin was pretty cool.  He also sent the "Beat it!" people.  He couldn't be nice to me, okay.

I kind of want to die, but I don't want them to kill me.  I know I hurt them more by being expensive.  No, I'm not planning suicide.  This isn't a suicide note.  I'm just tired of it all.  If I die, nobody will care, but if someone reads this, know I didn't kill myself. 

Always Afraid I'm Going to Shoot Them--I Will Delete This Tomorrow

blah, blah

I Feel You, Buddy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJNO97u8XGc

We look like we have full expression, but inside we're nearly hollow.  I like to laugh and cry, even though I can't feel it much.  I'd rather be the poorest woman on Earth than feel this way.  I want the five million dollars (after taxes) and the house (after taxes) 6563 South Riverbridge Rd, Springfield, MO. 65810, and I want to spend the rest of my life there.  lalalalala

Burning Benny (Breaking Benjamin) is still doing those fancy suicides and killing children who are cancer patients to be cheap.  I get free brain surgery.  They cared about me so much they let me be in severe pain for 8.5 months in my head. 

Thanks...  You want us to be robotic slaves... Madonna is spreading her legs for that one--or just anyone at this point.  Sad Clinton didn't get in?  Now you're nothing.

It doesn't take much.

If Benny were so powerful, why not take my check?  I tried to give it back on my first appointment.  Unfortunately, I'm obviously schizophrenic, and it didn't last long.  I used to not be able to get out of the hospital by myself.  Those days are blurry, but yeah.  Then psychopath starts setting up the suicide plot.  I already know all the horrible things said about me.  I've been that way my whole life.  I stick to myself usually.  I had a crush on Putin, and I was almost healthy getting my diet coke from the bar and walking along the street, but, no, that would have been too kind for me.

When they threatened my family, I let them do more to me.  I shouldn't have.  They have no morals.  They'll do whatever anyway. 

Should have done that first, Benny, and not wasted our tax dollars on stupid games.  I know he was mad about the Xanga "sacrifice" comment I made.  I was tired, young and very, very stressed out.  I said I was "sorry."  Humans make mistakes.  Then the blog, then the movie, then the cowards should hump themselves.  They took me out of context. lalala

Putin made it worse by putting that picture of me up after a firing squad.  I'm so evil that I don't even get a hood.  You could have found that info on the web or academia.  But no, I am Satan.  They kept giving me dreams where Putin was smiling at my suicide, how he didn't want me to read or go to school, how he was in love with so and so.  I melted.  He then broke my heart again.  I'm stuck with the bastard now.  Go ahead, spies, make me pay some more for what I couldn't help.

Misguided Feelings Towards Lindsay Lohan

I am plagued by the higher ups.  They're usually trying to use or shoot me.  There's a lot of drama, to say the least.  It's happened quite a bit since I'm targeted and chased for being an invalid.  It happens after the usual, ritual sacrifice (long story, but people use me to distract from themselves).

Pin the tail on the donkey.  So I'm not allowed to love?  I miss that feeling.  Why are they trying to save us?  I go in circles in society.  They are so disorganized they can't figure out whether to kill me or save me.

LEAVE ME ALONE!

I've escaped several times, but I'm not able to get past Putin because that was a final blow, and it bothered me a lot because I liked him.  I was weak and trying to get my brain back to normal, and he had to come in and destroy it.  Why?  I don't even know you. 

Burn me like the others. I usually laugh it off, but they creamed my brain.

I'm annoyed when I see someone like Lohan total herself and still not be killed or harmed, to be allowed to be beautiful while I'm "vain" if I like myself, which I did for a while because I was cute.  All I did was bloom.  Now that's over.

Thank God.

  I get to hear over and over again how unimportant I am while they give me their undivided attention.

No, I don't want to be famous, and I don't want to visit foreign leaders.  I want to be left alone for the most part.  People scare me.

I want the settlement from Putin and to hide.

Make Grimes eat 5 hamburgers until she's at a healthy weight.  We all have problems, and mine are not any of your business.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aqp3Ic8iwWE

Fighting for Pennies: Putin, I Want the House and Cash

While I had my memory...

Anyway, I made this post where I reasoned it out.  Putin had some involvement, or he wouldn't have named his dog "Buffy."  He has also deleted the evidence when he's immune anyway.  I figured I became a joke: http://bs55.blogspot.com/2012/04/so-ive-learned-that-these-things-have.html.

Thanks for helping. NOT!

I know the people behind American Mind Control will never face me, as they attacked me in the dark and ignored the law and decency.  If they were really doing it to help humanity, they wouldn't be childish about it and would visit us without a sound or mark or scratch.  They're sending things out like "The Fallen" and harassing us. 

It's unbelievable. 

They've messed with me quite a bit.  I want peace.

https://www.yahoo.com/finance/news/the-most-corrupt-countries-in-the-world-214657624.html do you want to be honest about this? 

People with Missing Parts

http://world.time.com/2013/01/14/the-blind-girl-vs-putin-a-plea-for-russias-handicapped-orphans/

So, this blind girl wrote to Putin over the adoption ban.  She is blind and needs assistance, and Russia can't provide it.   They think it will be better over here, and it would be if not for the music.

We're fake here.  Our good is a mirage.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97S66xee0U8 It's so deep... shit.

They keep trying to kill us.  Yes, it's true in Russia as well.

In Russia, you have Tatu's "Invalidy," and we have "The Bitter End" and "Special Needs" by Placebo.  There are a lot of other gangs.

They are also all over the VA.

In the beginning, I had one agent on me who said he was going to follow me, and so I stayed in Virginia and tortured for a year.  Given that they can see in our minds, they saw I needed help, but it's all about their show, a grand one.

They are sick.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qCYabLy1ic <--my song to them.

Phases of mental illness are interesting.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZpJSo7e2ZQ

Not a Pretty Face

Madonna says sweet words that stand for nothing.  She talks about marginalized people, yet she fails to mention what her old fart ass does to others without their consent or a court order.  My brain had serious issues before that, too. 

1+1=2

Now my memory is in the severely impaired range, and I'm even worse off. 

No accountability.  Do you want to give me a nice house and five million dollars (both after taxes), Madonna?  Putin sure didn't.  And those are the people I have to fight in this world.  Putin is not exactly a model of love and kindness.

I'm getting sick of this nonsense. 

Yes, it's me, and they'll make it all about me (Placebo's "Special Needs") emmememememe  Well, forgive me for being young and wanting a future.  I hate when they tell kids it could be worse.  They tricked me with a corpse.  Now they use my rotting body to inspire others. LOL

I didn't understand I was different back then, and I kind of sunk into denial.  When I started hearing voices, they didn't bother to help but punished me, and I was like, "This isn't me."  I was cold, starving and alone. 


It's all for them.  Drown me out, like the others.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKhVp--feJk

To the singers, "SHUT UP!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvsMPOfblfg

Again?

So, Obama used to the Special Olympics, Bush saw a retarded man be put to death for killing an agent, and Trump makes fun of the disabled.

Being disabled is not easy.  I struggle with it every day.  I don't mind a joke here or there, like when I start talking to voices (not happening currently). 

The other kids made me feel like a part of their team with nicknames.  I was the sneaker of the playground, fully employed by the boss who wanted his soda and cakes.  I can be shady, too.  The principal of the school eventually had me escorted to every class.  It took them over two years to notice me absent from certain classes, as I would say I needed extra help in the special room, and I walked off for lunch. 

The teachers often hated me more than the kids.  They sent me to the center constantly.  I'd run off and get some lemon cake at the coffee shop.  The king of the playground got into a fight with a teacher when they forced me to take off my leather jacket (it had a map inside, which I thought was awesome).  The teacher gave it back.

Anyway, what's annoying is that agents will come straight for you, thinking they have an easy kill.  It's a cliché in my life.  I go limp these days.  They have control, and I'm not going to win.  I have to squeal a little for their vanity.  Life goes on.  I wish they would have left me alone.

Never!

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/answer-sheet/wp/2017/01/20/trump-white-house-takes-down-website-pages-about-disabilities/?utm_term=.f78b9daa4490

Sorry, Putin, my brain is trash

I see I had better reason back in the day.  I'm kind of stupid now.  I wish they would have arrested me instead of play games.  That's why I did it in the first place. 

I can't ask for a settlement from them because they're invisible cowards.  I told them over and over again.

I didn't hide.  I've been blaming Putin because my mind is so messed up.  I can't always tell up from down.

Sorry, Putin, if you want to give me five million dollars (after taxes) and the house (after taxes) as a nice gift, I won't knock you! ;)  Originally, I didn't mean offense.  My body and mind got into a fight over that.  I was getting ready to make little Kaelas, which I'm sure the world would love --not!  I spoke against you trying to hide my will.


I love you :( 

The heat of a dead fire

I write these blogs to myself.  Well, I do for the most part.  I do get a little excited when I get views from a .ru site.  I'm a fan of Russia, and I love Putin now.  I've learned not to get my hopes up.  Most of that stuff is porn.  I clicked it once in error, but I can pretend.

I know that I was not very mature in my early twenties.  I'm not saying I am all knowing now, but I was blinded by many things.  I don't like how Putin rushed in and made a mess of all I had.  He's way above me, and his influence has meaning.  I know to him I'm a housefly by his coffee.  I'm annoying.  I want the settlement and house after taxes, so I can have something, too.  I've been taken out of the game, and I'll never recover from those blows.

You didn't have to make it worse, Putin.  I needed time to develop. 

The real.  The static.  The nothing.

I know you are, but what am I?

Many people have gotten me to things against my interests by saying I should move past myself.  I find the ones who are telling this don't practice what they preach.  It is all about me anyway.  If I don't matter, why hurt me?  Sick fucks.  They do not know what they steal.  Placebo is yelling at the broken.  And yes, some of it was my fault, but they took it to extremes.  Normally I compromise. I stay in hell, but get Prozac, Diet Coke and get to write and read.  I like to write and explore the world through reading.  I lost my motivation for society a long time ago, so buzz off. Sorry this is a blob.  I'm writing from my phone.

Anger management, narcissism and being entitled

Well, I am called lots of things.  I admit to a few.

Anyone who has known me knows that I'm fairly laid back.  Some might regard it as laziness or idle behavior, but I know better than to put forth a bunch of effort for nothing.  I occasionally write a book or read a text.  Then I go back to typing and zee internet.

It's taken me a long time to deal with internal anger, however, because there were a lot of things that were wrong with me and the people around me.  When I sent my first, lovely note to gorgeous and smart, A, I was freezing in my apartment.  Now, you're like, "Well, you grew up in the middle class.  What about your family?"  I'm not going to get too personal here, as I usually do.  There is a reason--or several. 

The psychotronic people are taking surface evaluations of me. 

Fear has been used against me for a long time.  I'm happy I have Nonna as an advocate now because people will get away with murder in regards to what they'll do to me.  I talked to a woman at the VA, a lawyer.  I started out the conversation, "I'm not going to sue you, but I want you to know and not do it again.." To which I got the reply, "You don't have any money to sue me." 

It reminds me of school.  When you're a kid, you look to authority figures to help you or listen to them.  Mine were on a fucking crusade when it came to me.  Mom has gotten better about this, but she left me out to dry.  I was too young to know how to censor those feelings, so I kept them inside.  I hadn't matured all the way. 

Also, many people who have dealt with "special needs" children know it's heartbreaking to put a camera on them.

I used to run miles upon miles to loosen the pain within.  I hoped it would get better, but it doesn't.

As far as shooting other children goes, I never wanted to.  I wanted them to stop messing with my brain (though they're using my insecurity to justify themselves).  To make it worse, after the injuries, they left me there, and I had a headache, A HEADACHE, that wouldn't stop for 8.5 months.  Then, when the pressure released, I was having a hard time staying conscious, and they were so mean.


You don't know what they did to me. 

I just want a nice house and the settlement.  It's all I'm asking for.  No, I'm not looking for attention.  I want peace. 

My Friends are Icons

I've never been a charmer or great in relationships. 

I lost most of my kid friends, which I understand.  We are different now, different people, places and things in front of the camera.

I'm ugly, too.  I mean that in the most respectful way.  I was not given good genes or something.  I am on Weight Watchers now, but I'll never be beautiful, perhaps just cute.  I shouldn't moan too much.  When I bloomed, it was difficult for me to function at work, the army and school.  I've avoided marriage and a family (a miracle).  I did that with noble intentions.  I mean, I'm screwed up; why would I want to bring a kid into it? 

I don't like watching people break their mirrors.  It's a fault line for me.  Competition for resources was fierce when I entered the game, and I don't have much to offer.  Now they're all getting fucked, making babies and listening to the man, and they'll live and die with their pleasing natures. 

I hate my generation.

Breaking bulletproof glass from them... 

When I first moved out on my own, I was extremely overworked and lonely.  I used to work for friends, do nice things, but I was pretending I had them.  My sister kept saying, "They never call."  She liked to rub it in at first.  In some ways, she became protective over me, once  I bowed to her dominance.

She's a queen.  She is the boss. I think she's half-cat.

Anyway...

Over the years, I've learned to rest in solitude, looking in ponds, to watch for nature's gifts beyond my reflection.  I've grown into myself.  I talk to old people, people who know the game.  Their worn out years have given them spunk, wit and peace.  Many have shitty kids who abuse them, dead husbands, and they have all sorts of issues that made them more alive as they near death. 

So many good stories not made of flimsy film.