Bring the Pain

I've spent most of my life on the sidelines watching other people. I don't mind this perspective.  I enter in time periods, and they come and go, like the ocean's breath. 

Good days, bad days.

Some of the hardest times for me have been the most fun.  Many people looked down on me for riding a bicycle everywhere as a youth.  I'd never trade those night with the stars, gliding down the glistening street towards home. 

I was alone, but in the company of the wind and rain.  I love riding in the rain.

I saw other lost souls of the night.  It's so surreal to me now, as is existence in general.

I was in the army at one point.  I had fun, but, yes, I began to fail with schizophrenia and PTSD (not combat).  I gave my command Hell, but there's nothing like psychosis.  It's like stepping into another dimension, a 4D reality of time.

They got rid of me.  I would have, too.  Sorry, guys...about the Putin thing, too.  I have tried to stay awake in my moments of illusion, but I will succumb to them no matter. Later, in the ambulance after the head injury, my blood pressure dropped to 60/30, and she didn't bother to tell the nurses but rubbed me.  I almost died from that.  I had a headache for 8.5 months.  The psychotronic people cared about that.... more punishments.  Oh, yes, I've had issues with delirium several times.  It was labeled as a personality NOS by a nurse.  Gotta love lesions in the brain now.

Virginia.

 One night, I got up and decided to drive to Washington DC.  Another time I wanted to go to Barnes and Noble, and I went like 400 miles, didn't have any idea of where I was at.  That's when I had schizophrenia pop up really bad.  I look at those times, and I am amazed at the energy and freedom of madness. 

Anyway, the voices got bad eventually, and I tried to kill myself to make them stop. I was spraying blood on the walls, which I had an absolutely terrible time cleaning up when I moved.  Around that time, they sent "The Fallen," "Satan Sex" and rounds of other nice things.  The combo left me in so much pain.  I still have holes in my white matter from that.  During those 8 months, no one would help me.  Three years later, they found it on a MRI and asked me what happened. 

I had to come back to Missouri.  I've lived in group homes and such, just watching.  Now I have an apartment, and I'm on disability.  Oh well.  Gotta keep going. 

Being a prisoner of the mind

I've talked about this before.  My upbringing was marred with difficulty.  However, my family moved on, did better and healed.  I did not. 

That's all I knew.

I have a fragile, useless brain from years of absolute bullshit (school really abused me, too). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqUb3L1IRYA they rat us out with music.  Poor kids.  Check out "The Abandoning" by Love and Death if you need more clarity.

Part of the problem was that I started to lose my mind under stress, and I kept reliving bad moments in my life, and I had no control over it.  When you have PTSD, you get a line of memories at once, and they tangle within one another.  I ended up with a bunch of misattributed memories.  I already had schizophrenia and have for a while.  That confused me.  I think being delusional kept me from killing myself.

Anyway, back to being blurred...

I thought Putin was my father, and then later I thought he was God, and then later we were hitched.  They messed with that.  Let me foot lick by myself, thanks, Marilyn Manson. 

I said some things about the US in general, but I was squeaking about my issues underneath.  They let the disease keep burning me and helped it along, too.  They pulled meaning from my gibberish and condemned me. 

Why is everything so personal? 

They are only doing it for themselves, or they would have done it when I started to fail in the army.  They would help the boy who recently killed himself.  However, they just can't let me wander around until I die.  I must be punished, oh master. LOL

https://www.madinamerica.com/2017/03/psychiatric-hegemony-marxist-theory-mental-illness/  crazy people.

My abusive, government overlords need to just do thier jobs

So, I take pills to try to minimize my interaction with the psychotronic people.  Last night, they broke through and yelled at me that I am nothing.  Very angry people, probably the FBI (issues have they).  Not enough love as children, I'm sure.

I respond to people calling me, "a pile of shit."  Being a nobody won't break my skin.  I'm used to it. 

 You guys did brain surgery on me that made me more apathetic and less sensitive.  Therefore, your evil words don't affect me. 

What did you think would happen?

You can't have your cake and eat it, too, guys.  I only cared in Virginia because I was young.  You couldn't have helped me then?  You know, it's not all about your value system, guys.  It's about making society stronger and healthier, not reducing people to foot lickers.

I'd still take settlement after all that, Putin

You know you were wrong.