Bring the Pain

I've spent most of my life on the sidelines watching other people. I don't mind this perspective.  I enter in time periods, and they come and go, like the ocean's breath. 

Good days, bad days.

Some of the hardest times for me have been the most fun.  Many people looked down on me for riding a bicycle everywhere as a youth.  I'd never trade those night with the stars, gliding down the glistening street towards home. 

I was alone, but in the company of the wind and rain.  I love riding in the rain.

I saw other lost souls of the night.  It's so surreal to me now, as is existence in general.

I was in the army at one point.  I had fun, but, yes, I began to fail with schizophrenia and PTSD (not combat).  I gave my command Hell, but there's nothing like psychosis.  It's like stepping into another dimension, a 4D reality of time.

They got rid of me.  I would have, too.  Sorry, guys...about the Putin thing, too.  I have tried to stay awake in my moments of illusion, but I will succumb to them no matter. Later, in the ambulance after the head injury, my blood pressure dropped to 60/30, and she didn't bother to tell the nurses but rubbed me.  I almost died from that.  I had a headache for 8.5 months.  The psychotronic people cared about that.... more punishments.  Oh, yes, I've had issues with delirium several times.  It was labeled as a personality NOS by a nurse.  Gotta love lesions in the brain now.

Virginia.

 One night, I got up and decided to drive to Washington DC.  Another time I wanted to go to Barnes and Noble, and I went like 400 miles, didn't have any idea of where I was at.  That's when I had schizophrenia pop up really bad.  I look at those times, and I am amazed at the energy and freedom of madness. 

Anyway, the voices got bad eventually, and I tried to kill myself to make them stop. I was spraying blood on the walls, which I had an absolutely terrible time cleaning up when I moved.  Around that time, they sent "The Fallen," "Satan Sex" and rounds of other nice things.  The combo left me in so much pain.  I still have holes in my white matter from that.  During those 8 months, no one would help me.  Three years later, they found it on a MRI and asked me what happened. 

I had to come back to Missouri.  I've lived in group homes and such, just watching.  Now I have an apartment, and I'm on disability.  Oh well.  Gotta keep going.