Ego Issues

So, I'm not the one to come out and brag about anything.  I don't think I'm wonderful.  I'm human.

Of course, I make up situations I could be in that are neat and pass the time.  After everything, I'm not especially bright--never was.  That was part of the problem.

  Now I can barely write anything enjoyable.  Tell me why they gave me a lobotomy (a type of) and then started up with the things that make me suicidal?

Keep on swimming...

I keep going because I'm like that.  In soccer, I usually only played a small portion of the game.  I never missed a practice though, not in two years.  I got a t-shirt.  Honestly, I liked the practice sessions.

I'm strange.

Anyway, we're talking about ego problems.  My entire being was dismembered when I was in special ed, and I tried to hide from it.  Several teachers enjoyed telling the class that I was special.  I probably spoke a few sentences in HS.  I mostly walked around in a vague haze. 

And I didn't self-actualize.  I hid and stayed silent, and my idle mind brought me strife.  I'm not good at school.  I'm not bad, but my scores aren't predicting a future in academia.  Still, I used to carry the books around with me, like I do now.  It feed me for a while, my ego.  I let it inflate to make up for the sordid reality. 

Go to college or fail at life.  It's funny, you know I spent years trying to go.  I hit the usually blades I love to ignore.  Managers tried to sleep with me, my raynauds made winter days especially bad, people paid me little, and they scheduled me to work on my class days..  I rode my bicycle everywhere, which also made me a loser.

I should have at least looked at the knife as it hit me.  People didn't call.  They didn't want to be around me.  I made the wrong kind of friends, like future teachers and doctors. They hang out and post facebook pictures, and they never invite me anywhere.  My ego deceived me.

Just like old times... And I didn't see that then.  I kept up the fake world and its politeness. 

The army and Putin thing was odd.  I was losing my mind, and they all attacked me--selfie time.  Then, Putin, who I had a crush on, posted the picture of me dying.  I felt the walls collapse in on me again.  They did horrible things to me. 

It's so easy for normal people.  Meanwhile, I'll be hit with them all, trying to keep my head above water.

Hopefully, I won't be as deceived again.



I tell myself to "let it go."   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGJaKeYwOFo