No, I am not an attention whore.
I've spent most of my life being ignored or misused. I used to be slightly neurotic on top of it. I was careful about all the eggshells, the glass orbs.
I live in the world's sidelines though, like a player who never plays but throws the ball in ever so often. I tried the silent treatment to reality, but it didn't work because, in many people's minds, I have to be a loser, and they are obsessed with this. I am in their bug trap.
My mouth echoes words I've never said, my deeds never done.
I am obsessed with getting away from people these days. I've always known it, the grip of loneliness. When I was in second grade, I drew a house on the pavement with fresh chalk, and I didn't let anyone in. The wind blew. It told me I was right. In a tribal community, I'd be the banished witch. In contemporary society, I am a pariah.
It is my fate.
People have such hopes about their futures, their "fates." I don't blame them. They play the game well in their delusions. They'll lose no matter, but they win in their minds. It's a sweet victory for them. Then they become diabetic, ignoring the rotting house and causes.
Also, a lot of people, who I've now detached from, don't value me, you see. They will use my labels against me. I can't escape if I want to appear normal and have "friends." I've learned better than to fight them because they have power over reality.
I am so inconvenient, a bother. Growing up, my sister liked to point out people never called me. I was terrified to not have friends due to my specialness and how they used it to trap me. I dislike some teachers, the "saviors" of the damned..
It's like, everyone hates me. Why do I have to get along with them?
As an adult, I am unprofessional and, as usual, unwanted. This came when I had to survive the wrath of those who matter.
The stars hold greatness. I landed on the moon; far enough away to watch them all.
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