For most of my life, I've struggled with people and life, and schizophrenia made it even worse. Part of the problem is that I don't pick up on intentions well, as the goons know. Also, I'm not especially valuable to society. I don't have a job, I don't have a family and I don't have kids. I deviate from what's normal to a lot of people.
Why do I put myself into such a boat? A lot of it has to do with how I was raised and what I went through growing up. My family wasn't poor, poor, but our breadwinner almost died, and we all had to work together to make ends meet. This meant a lot of sacrifice. I was immature about it, not wanting to do it, but hey, I was a stupid teenager.
Anyway, when I didn't have enough, many people looked down upon me, and they treated me like crap, like yelling insults at me from their cars and pretending they were going to hit me. I had to ride my bicycle to school and everywhere, see, I ate lunch after school at home, and I spent lunch time in the library doing homework, as I had to work until one in the morning at times or take care of babies.
I didn't go into the usual cliques in school. I was poorly socialized around males. I wasn't good enough to date anyone, and most people thought I was weird and was in special ed, the end of all social lives.
I took care of babies and worked, so I didn't have time for much. Oh well.
For all this, I have rebelled against society and its mores. I don't know how to be with a man (screwed up on my only real boyfriend), and I know babies are difficult to care for, so I avoid them. I'm also insecure about how events will turn out. What if my kids were in special ed, too? Would they go through what I did? How am I going to keep low employment? I end up everywhere.
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