First off, I have issues with relationships. The doctor wrote I have a child-like understanding of them. I guess this is true for a few reasons.
One, I was poorly socialized. I had to have friends to hide from others. I am not valued in my realities. I'm at people's mercy.
Two, another issue is the abuse the school system put me through. If I had an outburst, which I'm famous for, they would blame me, and it would get ugly fast. Everything was somehow my fault. I'd hide myself and wait for the next round of inappropriate discipline. Other parents would fight with me, just like they did in adulthood. Their precious babies were never to blame.
Three, I was kept to a purity standard where I had to have all these false morals nobody follows. It fried my brain.
This has traveled into adulthood with bands like Placebo, Madonna and Bjork. I started to think for myself. Suddenly, I'm selfish, dirty and fake. Nobody but me lives in such a mannerism. In the end, I am wiped clean with a TBI and go about for my next shitpile.
It's different when you're disabled. You know you aren't going to rise (no pity here, mere reality). It's not really a shocker when people pass you by. You can't stop them or even compete with them, even if you had the ability to. I did a number to the stars this last time, however.
Not that it matters...
Another thing: we can't compete. I think about myself... give her a lobotomy! Someone can call me out, and it's over because everyone hates me, as I am useless to them. They can have all these horrible qualities, but, as usual, I have to be purged.
In the army, I had issues with the weak and the strong. I'd like to be strong, but it wasn't allowed. I made friends with dear velociraptors. They wanted to use me--and they did. I kind of walked around in my own demoralized world. My ex had told me I needed human interaction, which I was terrified of for many reasons... and rightly so. I did, and I found Marilyn Manson and the people from X-Files.
Talk about some bad luck.
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