Flying and SSDI

I'll try.

Snowflakes Get Cold

So, I've been accused of being a liberal snowflake.  We'll discuss this.

I used to make videos about how I hated the United States.  To be honest, I was mostly taking a personal view of the situation and sick of the psychotronic people making invisible rules and still had an upset tummy about being in special education.  Like I said, being afraid and angry made me cling to slavery and class systems and special education hurt my ego.  I've finally come to terms with it.

No, I'm not that crazy.  I know I'm not special, just a boring plebian.

In fact, I spent most of my upbringing being told about how I'm not special in an abusive mannerism, as I was in special ed. Fitting. I was tormented by classmates and teachers for my disability, which was really just schizophrenia for which I am now properly medicated and treated.  I finally got rid of the IEP at 16 when I took an IQ test.  I made a 118 then later a 116.  My brain had somewhat recovered only to be blown again in the military.  They should do a psych evaluation with the IEP, but I digress.

Anyway, no, I'm not patriotic, and I feel detached from the whole debate for the most part.  I don't belong in society and live on the fringes where I see some, let's face it, whacky shit.  They usually make me laugh.  People with guns make me laugh after being on the edge.  It's not 1776 anymore.  It's not 1984 either.  Stop holding onto your stuffed animal like you're five.

It's like, you have no idea what you're actually up against, but that ignorance makes you happy somehow.  Alas, the mind of the melted.

And one last note on disability, if you want to know what discrimination is like...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezdyy7FeF8M

I'll get off my soap box.

Oh yeah, and here's another easy, smartmouth song.  It's easy as pie.  I'm no genius.  I'm still mad at him, and yes, to name shame -- not drop -- he had to pick a fight with me.  He can have this song.  I'll share :P

Savior

Savior
Save your ass
Savior
Save you ass

I'm biting bits
Of language
Your tits

Come here
Come, come
Cool, cold cruel

The mirror
Stays true
Reflect?

Love you, babe
Like the sheeps said
Before the Hajj

Our new religion

I'm not fucking God
But I'll fuck you

Savior
Save your ass
Savior
Saver your ass

Here's one

Hit the Mark!

"Who do men say that I am?"
You emulate me
Hate me
You make me, make me great
Late, but it's fate
You're fake

For heaven's sake
You're the mistake
I said, for heaven's sake
You're the mistake

"Who do men say that I am?"
You immolate
With all your hate
Undertaken
Now who is forsaken?

Flames baking! Bacon!

For heaven's sake
You're the mistake
I said, for heaven's sake
You're the mistake
Late, but it's fate
You're fake

"Who do men say that I am?"
Get me a virgin
Get me a doll
Get me you
You're nothing at all
Ashes to ashes
Nails to rust
You're back to dust

Disgust

Who are you?

"...For you are not mindful of the things of God,
But the things of man."

That comes from Mark 8:27 and Mark 8:33

Made into a loser vs being a loser or both

I've known for a while that I'm not going places this lifetime.  It's made me a bit of a defeatist because I don't see the point in trying.  Every time I put forth a lot of effort, I end up in the ditch.  For example, I fought the psychotronic people for a while and decided to hold onto slavery or strict caste/class systems.  I can't get low enough for them.

I'm also still trying to get circumcised so that they can't use sexuality against me, like with Putin.  It's the FBI's favorite game.  They will make you out to be a "racist pedophile."  It's their hallmark, a sign that they've messed with you.  In the military, you're a "whore" if they mess with you.

Anyway,

I won't get into the time they tried to frame me being a pedophile.  No, I do not like children, but I would blush and hear voices accusing me of various thoughts and acts.  I was programed, and I think an experiment.  I did try to use that as an excuse to be circumcised, but it didn't work.  

I like how I was placed into several songs and movies, too, but I can't "say" anything because I'm schizophrenic. Abuse.  I'm not that bad of a person.  I'm boring, average and bland, but I'm easy to get to.

Pluck me from the blind.

I've decided to stand up for myself and not be a defeatist and to try.  If I get knocked down by the unseen, like Marilyn Manson, I will get back up like a punching bag.  Why not?  I'm tired of explaining and trying to get them to be decent.  I can't control them, but I can control myself.

Are They Ever Going to Clarify This Disorder?

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/psychiatrist-bergdahl-mental-disorder-factored-in-desertion/ar-AAuiSUR?ocid=spartanntp

It was the same thing with me, except I split from myself and tried to escape my programming and memories because they are me-not-am.  I am what I'm not, but they did that on purpose so that I'd stay in line with being low, a trick.

  Blue Stahli is taking care of the cognitive dissonance.  Bastard.

I shattered and am no longer consistent.

I still want to be circumcised to make them stop doing that.  Pills have helped, but I have to get rid of the dirt, shame and tricks.

We know.

As far as Bergdahl, and I go with this...

It's a disorder of being dominated.  Our brains are tuned to go for dominance and skip over the truth.  You will literally hear those damn voices that are over you, and they will fuck you up if you try to get rid of them.

Bergdahl projects his father on all authority.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEnklxGAmak a lecture

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/call-of-schizophrenia/id1055617427 other sufferers.

He's a Pervert, But They Let Him For Themselves

There are many out there. 

I've had several guys attempt to use their power to get me in bed, and I can exclude the military from that, however.  No high ranking official ever tried to sleep with me.

We'll talk about the mind control kids later.  Hope you had a nice day, sir.

Personally...

  Yes, I was assaulted by a male in the army, not raped, and there was alcohol involved.  I know many people say "no, means no," but I made errors as well.

In the other world,

I also lost my job once because I wouldn't sleep with my boss.  I figured he could sit on his fast food throne and bask in the greatness of being such a prestigious manager.  And that's not the first time.  On winter day, I joined a bunch of homeless people who were paid to clear sidewalks and put salt down.  I spent an hour moving salt bags.  Then the head manager had me sit in his truck, and he said he'd give me $60 dollars and wanted to know if I wanted to go home with him.  I said, "No."  I was given $60 and left.

I don't consider myself a victim just because I as hit on, and I have no intention to destroy people's lives over unwanted advances that stop, as long as they stay non-physical and were reasonably benign.

You said, "no" and he backed off.

Weinstein is a creep on a power trip.  There's no denying that, but many women are upset by the fact he asked for sex using his assets.  He's just asking you on a date.  Why do you think every romance novel is about a billionaire with a wicked side, and it's okay, a fantasy?  It's a desire.

As far as Hollywood goes, it should be, "No Parts for Parts." But don't think I'm so naïve.  Again, I've been through it.  Men have to be humbled the same as women.

I've also been through their assault, which okay for them.  Check out all the charity they're giving us: Madonna's "A Bedtime Story."  Marilyn Manson and I need to have a talk.

Oh well.

This man Weinstein engaged in relations, but many of the stars let him for roles.  I think they are at some fault. 

At least Lana Del Rey was honest.  I love that song.

The Lady Doth Protest

So, Grimes, who bathes in blood, has decided she is not going to listen to us in the discussion section.  She deleted it.  Bitch.  Can't take the heat?  Get out of the kitchen.

You wanted to play this game.  Come on, come on let's play.

We love being raped by you.  Aren't those the words of the dirty man tells you? Did you fuck him for fame?  He's got you on drugs, and you're what you hate.  It's easier to move you that way.

Lies make us cry and freeze inside.

I love how I'm so exposed to these things.  I will admit that I used to cry and throw a fit, butchering myself about how little power I had/have. 

They repeat themselves, and it drives me nuts.

Go ahead, do what you do with a face... you're helping people, after all.  Why are you ashamed? Doesn't it work?  The answer to such a question is that you are, essentially, everything you try to destroy.

Bad handlers yet again.

Weep--Another Marilyn Manson Style of Song

Call me when you're not contagious
I'll spin them to fucking sages
Age won't save you, ho ho

Some pills, stuff still fill the hole
And I'm down there in the ass
So?

Call me when you're not contagious
I'll spin them to fucking sages
Age won't save you, ho ho

My donkey comes first and last
Your momma cries for me to pass
So?

Call me when you're not contagious
I'll spin them to fucking sages
Age won't save you, ho ho

I'm cool and the best hero
You have eyes so brown like shit
I know you will like the hit
So?

6 feet under you reap what you sow.

The Thinning

"The Thinning" is original.  I just couldn't tell by the trailer.  A lot of us are coming to the same conclusions though.  They can't kill us all.

Us retards can dance around the devil.

Roman Suicides and Marilyn Manson's Sickness

Tonight, I decided to write a song like the kind Marilyn Manson sings.  Here it is.  It took me five minutes.  Manson owns the copyright, as I gave it to him.  It's almost original.  It reminds me of scribbling at four.  Of course, this is justification to kill me and my entire family, like they did in Rome.   Make us speshal.  They'll do whatever they want anyway.  They're so "tough."

Goddamn
God damns

I’m the sinner
In the garden
Now messing up
The youth’s flow

Telling them,
Telling them
Where to go

Oh, oh, oh

They hear it all
Deaf in the head
Different like a body
Decaying, eating lead

Oh, oh, oh

Goddamn
God damns
Letting me running
Loose on Earth

It would take
1000 years for me
To face the music
Face the music,

Wanna come, come home?

Goddamn
God damns
We won’t be alone


Here's the punishment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KWpuVrRek4  We all become a bunch of retards on government dole.  They're so bold and afraid to face us at the same time.  Wimps.

The News Up Your Ass

I spend a great deal of time reading the news.  It's quick, easy stimulation.  I like talking a lot, so I write on there constantly. Sometimes, I don't make sense.  Check out reddit or reddit math.

  I go to Yahoo!, RT (trying to get away from here) and other places.  Blah, blah, blah.

Someone got butthurt, and I'm getting stalked yet again by vigilantes.

It's not fair, they'll cry.

I would love to be fixed and freed, honestly.  However, no one will admit their wrong doings in regards to me, so I'm trapped. 

I still suffer from memory problems and other cognitive tasks like puzzles.  I get lost easily.  I was super happy with "The Fallen" Halloween shit I had to deal with.  I'm flesh.  I can be quickly canned from the planet.  I've not done anything so wrong to deserve that 8.5 month headache no one will take responsibility for allowing to continue.  They want to torture us and play 'trick or treat.'

April fools.

Do you guys want to own up, get off your asses and stop these weapons?  Stop the cruel and unusual punishments?  No, because they're scared.  They have something to lose.

Oh well.

I'll be starting SNHU October 30.  My goal is to become a writer and editor.  I can take notes and work through those two.  It's the only thing left I can do.  I forget so much.
 

Putin won't man up

Lindsay Lohan, admired by many people around the world for her earlier roles, parents have decided to sue a senator for his slanderous comments saying she shouldn't be given keys to the mini-bar.

It's annoying when someone of that influence says something against you.

Being called, "dumb as fuck" (and I am even worse now) doesn't hurt my feelings though.  It was more or less how vulnerable I was at the time.  I was scared, didn't know what was going on, had a bunch of delusions, and I didn't need to be chased by foot lickers. 

Not only, but Putin knows how to fix my problems with a healer and instead drew a lot of attention to me.

We should set up clinics.

They know what we're thinking, but they wanted Happy Halloween.

I'm trying to get a settlement from Putin, but it's not for slander.  He has so much influence, and he used it against me.

I want the house featured on my Facebook (after taxes) and the five million dollars (after taxes), the one on Landon.  https://www.trulia.com/property/3082386154-4824-S-Landon-Ct-Springfield-MO-65810

Whatever

Of course, use that crutch.  +long story+  Is it that hard to do the right thing?

Today's Total Namedrops: Putin Loves Britney Spears and Zuckerberg

So, as I've explained, the elites in various fields are vessels from which the old, power-hungry nerds plan various tasks.  Go back to playing "World of Warcraft."  Also, it's just like in India where they sing about killing the dalits and other moral tales.

Britney put me in her song, "Work Bitch."  She scolds me, and I've had plenty of them harass me since and before.

Why don't I have a job?  Well, my brain was already fragile from childhood.  When they tried to kill me and fix me, I was not properly restrained and hit my head.  The change damaged my already broken brain.

I have such luck.

It should be noted that  I used to get violent over sex.  I really, really didn't want it, and they kept using that ray.

Anyway, I don't have a job because my mind is destroyed.

The army compensated me for what happened while I was in, admitting that the life-stressors of the military caused me to become psychotic.  They made that decision, and it shouldn't be contested with our gadflies..

I am entitled to a salary until I can find gainful employment.  I signed a contract.  It isn't up to Ms. Spears or any of the others.

In fact, we're having a hard time with all of them.  Yes, I know the government rules are cumbersome, but they have to be voted on and analyzed before they can be bypassed.  Not doing so will cause destabilization, and that's just annoying.

I will say that I had a shitty life-view a few years ago.  I honestly didn't think there was mobility in the social structure of our country.  I was raised as a poormouth.  Now I know I can earn things.  I earned my pension.  If I write a famous novel (fantasy), I can become rich (fantasy).

Putin can keep sucking up to them and blocking me.  He's worthless anyway, always a badass.

Oh, and an update, the group leader asked us what color "violet" was.  It should have been "purple."  But, with the other brain damaged man and myself, we said blue because "Roses are red and violets are blue."  My mental process is quite odd.

Violets Are Blue--An Insight

So, I've been on the ward for the past week. 

As usual, I saw a doctor for less than ten minutes and tried to read for the rest of the time.  I hated the feeling and was losing my mind to delirium due to the meds.

I checked myself in because I was having difficulty with my meds and was being ignored or given bad advice by other routes.  In my brain, I wasn't hallucinating, a little anxious but not depressed, which I told them several times.

I always say, "I'm sorry" to people because I can't guess their emotional state.  And yes, they've tested me for autism, but I came up negative.  I took the IQ test like a schizophrenic.

I didn't go in there thinking I was delusional or paranoid.  Again, I can't guess what people mean, and I've gotten in a lot of trouble with this due to schizophrenia and other things slightly more vague.  I'm learning to say nothing or "thank you" instead.  It makes me upset to interact in person sometimes.  It's a lot of stress, but I try to deal with it.  People who know me are used to it.

My doctor said I had insight into my delusions this time, which is surprising for a schizophrenia.  That's because half of them aren't delusions.  I'm confused by the cowards around.

And when I attempted to explain what was happening during the seven minutes he saw me one day was that my cognitive abilities were breaking down, and I was starting to have a hard time understanding simple situations, like when someone left me a compliment on my story, and I thought he was going to edit my mind for like thirty minutes.  For the love of God, they had me on three high doses of antipsychotics.

I couldn't take it anymore.

Martians were invading.  I know people like to discredit me because they think I want off work, like Britney Spears (I'm not saying this to be psychotic). As a punishment, I point to the medical file and put most of my private information online so that they leave me alone.

There is some sad news.

And guess what +tear+ nobody asked me on a date :'(  LOL  I'm getting old and ugly.  We did have a group, and this other guy was cool with me.  His wife is currently MIA, but he wasn't into me like that, just had fun talking to him about whores in other countries, as he'd been in a while and overseas. Also, what was totally cool was that we both said violets are blue.  The counselor looked at me and said, "Violets are NOT blue" very sternly.  We'd been talking about REM sleep, and I replied back that platypuses had 14 hours of REM sleep compared to petty humans.  We aren't special.  Well, I guess those of us who can't think of things real quick live in a world where violets are blue.

Other Science Sinners--Just a Thought

These are people who have misused art as science. I do it, too, sometimes.  I think we should at least have scientists view our ideas so that they are not bled to the public and cause problems.  I know some material is unknown, but some of it can be dangerous.

First off, we have Lady Gaga in "GUY."  She mixes blood.  In reality, the blood would clot and not be useable if she did that.  Hey, it's an interesting message, just wrong.

The other sinner of the day is Lana Del Rey in "Love."  Everyone who watched the eclipse is now blind.  That should have come with a warning.

Life would be better if scientists ruled the world with truth.  Until then, I shall continue to sin myself.

And yes, even H.G. Wells did it with his "vivisections."  Still, things like eclipses disturb me. 

In another rant, I will talk about misusing basic science with politics or unrelated fields as fake rigor.  It's just dreadful and pushes perverse agendas, like Madonna with all the equations in "A Bedtime Story."  I call these Jamaican Eclipses.  In the past, natives were told the power of the white man by predicted eclipses that appeared to obey the foreigners.  Thankfully, a few groups called B.S.

There is hope for humanity.

Grimes

Grimes may be a musical genius, but she has no right doing those operations on us nor advertising them. 

I have rights, even though I am mentally ill.  You don't get to strip me of them for your own sordid purposes and exploitation.

I write and dream of better things.  I am not allowed to experience much in my reality because I'm disabled and limited.  I've always put that aside and had my fantasies.  Yes, I had my hallucinations, too, both verbal and visual, though I stopped having them after they put me on medicine, which works, not like the lobotomy that has turned me into a happy idiot. GO TEAM!  You will now acquire world peace, and there will be bubbles and sunshine. 

I control and influence so much, after all.  Evil me.  I deserved the 8.5 month headache, being chased by the fallen and cyanide through my vents.  I don't know why I got angry...  It was addicting, however, to be allowed my own thoughts.

Bring it on.  I'm used to being the victim and picked on.  Not anymore.  I still haven't learned proper argument skills.  I will lash out in desperation because no one will listen to my viewpoints, even about my own body. 

They don't have to, yet I have to guess at the invisible...

I was happy on minimum wage.  I rode my bicycle to Subway and took pride in serving people.  I had to work 2-3 jobs to help people who don't appreciate me, and yeah, that was stressful.  However, if I ever have to go back to making minimum wage, I'll be fine. 

I like olives.
I like to write.  Yes, I do, yet again.

That's the deal breaker, the one they ignored: I write.  I may not be the best at it, but it is my way of expression, of feeling free.  It's all I have. I abhor painting and drawing.  I painted a few pictures to make a quick point, as many people don't like to read me.

The icon I use for my profile pic is a hallucination or a group of them, seeing beyond reality to a realm of soul and a sea of confusion.  That damn piece of shit, brain mudding punk used to occupy me all of the time. 

It came from the machines.  They made it.  Pleasing death, as usual.

WILSON!

So Putin got the thumbs down from his boss

He's described as "mediocre."

He was sent to go through newspaper clippings because his German wasn't good enough or something.  He doesn't whine about it, and he used that time to further himself.  He eventually became a President when his time was called.


Like he's a failure.  That's what the news is trying to say.

Float while you can because they'll come for you later.

And yes, I know the proving grounds.  I'm a bilge bitch, baby (Bad Romance -- by Lady Gaga).  I get it, the feeling.  I don't think the fumes were helping me.

I think this treatment of Putin was partly because he was so young and impatient. 

Excited.

It's a curse many feel when they are looked down upon by others in those services.  Hold on, your time will come.

Great... anyway,

 Also, being picked to go to special training is random for the most part.  When I was an 88L, one male was sent to Afghanistan.  Randomly. Some were selected to get medical training and got to stick each other with needles.  I was, curse the heavens above, sent to a live fire.  Also, I was sent to do chemical drills in MOP gear.  Of course, it was in El Paso and the middle of the summer.  I was crazy when they put me on funeral duty.

It's like a time warp to me.  I'm still waiting, buddy.

Being Pathetic

The littlest violin begins to play...

I've had to endure the dumb argument of, "fair is fair."  It's actually, "Fair is fair to you."  I'm a fool, and I've bought into it a few times, thinking I wasn't allowed to earn things or do things because I'm unworthy.  They'll flash their 150, and they'll expect me to bow down when they've done nothing but demand some sort of birthright.

You have to pay for the ice cream.   I don't have to buy it for you, and you don't get my place in line.

Like many others, the public education system caught me in hard times, and I was forced into remedial classes and extra help, which basically made my homework time explode, and it scrambled my brain with an array of subjects. 

Why was I in special ed?  It was the same vanity of a deception others feel is fair. 

What happened was I was in an experimental class in first grade.  They taught us to read by sight and not phonetics.  Sight takes longer to catch onto, and it makes spelling uber special sometimes.  They took my IQ and found it was 130, but I was performing horribly.

I love the basement.

I couldn't read.  They kept giving me more and more assignments, keeping me in the grade with normal kids, just because some moron in charge didn't bother to ask why I couldn't spell things out. 

My second grade teacher also hated my grandma, and she took it out on me.  My clothes' pin was always rising up on the punishment chart for things like, "Not finding a place in line."  I was usually in the special room, but I came back for lunch and had no idea how we were to line up. 

I also had a lot of family problems, including incest, alcohol, verbal abuse, drugs and neglect.  I won't get into it.

I eventually went crazy, and the school got involved again.

I've tried many times to escape my fate, but I'm not strong enough.

I used to go psycho about intelligence and fair is fair.  I've learned it doesn't matter.  It's best to distance myself away from harm.  I don't have to do it anymore. 

Yes, I matter.  I am not going to worship you.

Vent over...

Everyone has a least one crazy member, been abused somehow and spent time in the river against the current. 

Not My Nature and Strangers

So, I thought I would bitch for a minute. 

Like you guys, some of my relatives drive me crazy.  I've often vented on other people, like friends, and I came out as the "victim."  Basically, no one wants to hear me whine about it.  Okay. I've distanced myself away from certain people in my family, as I enjoy breathing.  There is a problem with part of my family where they have no fear and don't pay attention to what is around them, nor do they know how dangerous certain situations are. 

Over the years, I've had to balance my family's lies.  Strangers pick and chose what they say and bash me with it as a power game.  My childhood would read like a VC Andrews novel.  I'm not writing it.  It sucked enough.

Also, another annoyance is when strangers step into my personal life knowing little about me. Cough. Putin.  I get to hear how I owe this or that or how I've never suffered.  I used to make the stupid mistake of telling them what went on.

  I burst their bubbles.

Marilyn Manson played that card on me.  I always fall for it, too.  It makes me mad.  Here I am again.
I wish I would have had an easier ascent into adulthood, but things didn't go properly.  I got cheated with a smile and denial. 

I tried everything.

I'd been hoping I would some day have my own voice, but I don't.  I have to chew on shit.  The strangers make it their way, and my relatives will agree to an insane amount of tough love.

I empathize with Otto, the kid who was destroyed in North Korea.  I know what happened to him, and it almost happened to me. 

Thanks.

I go off because it pisses me off, but I can't feel it nor deal with the general populations and their lies.  I would tell them to fuck off, but they usually have some authority they're abusing, and they get me either way.  Anyone can fall into their definitions.  I partied last time.

I'm a favorite.   

I want the settlement from Putin.  You can be my special helper.

Other Crazies

So, I've been trying to get Putin to pay me the settlement for years now.  I spent some of those years in agony from a head injury, which was brought on by Putin's influence and using the picture that inspired everyone to "cure"/"kill me."  I don't understand some people.  Why are they so emotional over a simple transaction?


The first crazy I got thought I wanted to marry Putin and wouldn't leave me alone about it. This was after the incident with the attempted suicide nor "friends with cures."  We'll leave the weird father-daughter dynamic out of it.

Sorry, I'm not a sociopath.  Other people have issues, too. Why are mine so damn important? 

Oh well.  She did nothing to me but rant about how Putin wouldn't marry me, and she wouldn't stop.  On the dream machine, I confessed the depth of my soul, countless words never to be emulated again.

"What do you want?"
"To give Putin an erection."
"What?"
"There are Russians at the window."

So much for that machine making us tell the truth.  I really, really wanted to fuck Putin.  I was at that age.  Little ball of frustration.  So. Damn. Desperate.  I hate being ugly.  Anyway, I don't want to marry Putin.  That would be awkward and impossible, really.  I do not know much about Russian culture.  I happen to think their leader is hot even still, but I can't feel it, just think it. 

I love you, baby.

Another crazy came around, and now I'm a terrorist.  There was a time I had to spread all over the internet to survive, as things are still fragile at the moment.  As for doing it on purpose, I have an IQ of 116 and severe memory problems.  Are you joking? I was.  I was desperately trying to keep them away.  I don't even know how to blow anyone up.  I understand grenades (which I'm good at) and the M16. 

I want the settlement, Putin.

I Would like it Monday, if Possible

I lost a good chunk of my life, was harmed and chased like a dog.  I'm destroyed.  Other things happened, too.

It's too late to use stem cells, and they don't know how to use them on a newly damaged brain (basically, it has to be fresh, as I was for nearly two years).

I want peace away from this crazy world.  I want the settlement.  I'd like to move ASAP, but it's up to the leader when.  Know I really want it, of course. 

I shall hide until I die.

Having a Weak Mind

Often times, I try to go along with the flow in life.  I never developed good argumentative skills.  I tend to shy away from other things or be fractured, these days.

This is a rant about Putin in some respects.  I went back on myself because I didn't know what to do.  It was his fault in some respects, and what annoys me even more is not only that he won't confess, but the fact they can -- and did -- use weapons to see into our minds. 

Many people live in a bubble, but this technology has been around since the seventies.  Recently, they have used it on a campaign to save money on mental health expenses.

People hate the mentally ill. 
  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyqNlMoLp9M  <--it's annoying.  My "masters."  Meds have helped me.  The assaults on my mind did not.

I'll admit I was sick -- and they knew  it -- but they decided to play games on me. 

Anyway, if they were so concerned about cost, why not use the mind machines to see who is sick and who isn't? 

No, no, we have to be kooky, like thirteen year old boys playing with a rat in a box.

I want the settlement. 

Triggers

I hate to use the word "trigger."  It reminds me of the way our brains have been raped.  I became aware of it around 20.  I'd had triggers before that, but I wasn't a conscious being yet.

I spent a lot time in angry land with triggers and their delusions.  I couldn't think. 

I read a comment I'd written recently, and I know it could have bothered people, but I haven't been able to express myself PC for a long time because my brain has been altered.  The comment was made about how underprivileged students got everything, and I had to work blah, blah, and I had to join the army to get school.

School has been a goal for a long time.  If only I could go fulltime, I'd be like them.  Satan played a joke on me where he had me jump through various hoops, and, in the end, I became even more disabled.

haha

Back in the day, people were really cruel to me about school, and it was treated like a privilege.  Like you guys know, I was in special education, and it hurt my education because we sat in a room with many others and got the answers given to us.

I harbored  a lot of hate in my heart from all that, and I went into myself.  I had some family problems growing up, too, and I became tired of always taking the blame and owing people.

The triggers and their delusions caused me to do some stupid things.  Not anymore.  I am a person, and I can be wronged, like with what Putin did.  I try so hard... and it never works. Not whining anymore, and I'm not giving up.

Anyway, I don't hate underprivileged people.  They have their burdens--more than me.  We all do, no matter what class you're in.

BTW, if you asked half of the people on the street about privilege, single moms, welfare queens black people and Medicaid, you'd get some nasty hearts, too.  It's why the psychotronic people pick them.

I work as hard as I can on myself, but I'll never be perfect. 

Bring the Pain

I've spent most of my life on the sidelines watching other people. I don't mind this perspective.  I enter in time periods, and they come and go, like the ocean's breath. 

Good days, bad days.

Some of the hardest times for me have been the most fun.  Many people looked down on me for riding a bicycle everywhere as a youth.  I'd never trade those night with the stars, gliding down the glistening street towards home. 

I was alone, but in the company of the wind and rain.  I love riding in the rain.

I saw other lost souls of the night.  It's so surreal to me now, as is existence in general.

I was in the army at one point.  I had fun, but, yes, I began to fail with schizophrenia and PTSD (not combat).  I gave my command Hell, but there's nothing like psychosis.  It's like stepping into another dimension, a 4D reality of time.

They got rid of me.  I would have, too.  Sorry, guys...about the Putin thing, too.  I have tried to stay awake in my moments of illusion, but I will succumb to them no matter. Later, in the ambulance after the head injury, my blood pressure dropped to 60/30, and she didn't bother to tell the nurses but rubbed me.  I almost died from that.  I had a headache for 8.5 months.  The psychotronic people cared about that.... more punishments.  Oh, yes, I've had issues with delirium several times.  It was labeled as a personality NOS by a nurse.  Gotta love lesions in the brain now.

Virginia.

 One night, I got up and decided to drive to Washington DC.  Another time I wanted to go to Barnes and Noble, and I went like 400 miles, didn't have any idea of where I was at.  That's when I had schizophrenia pop up really bad.  I look at those times, and I am amazed at the energy and freedom of madness. 

Anyway, the voices got bad eventually, and I tried to kill myself to make them stop. I was spraying blood on the walls, which I had an absolutely terrible time cleaning up when I moved.  Around that time, they sent "The Fallen," "Satan Sex" and rounds of other nice things.  The combo left me in so much pain.  I still have holes in my white matter from that.  During those 8 months, no one would help me.  Three years later, they found it on a MRI and asked me what happened. 

I had to come back to Missouri.  I've lived in group homes and such, just watching.  Now I have an apartment, and I'm on disability.  Oh well.  Gotta keep going. 

Being a prisoner of the mind

I've talked about this before.  My upbringing was marred with difficulty.  However, my family moved on, did better and healed.  I did not. 

That's all I knew.

I have a fragile, useless brain from years of absolute bullshit (school really abused me, too). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqUb3L1IRYA they rat us out with music.  Poor kids.  Check out "The Abandoning" by Love and Death if you need more clarity.

Part of the problem was that I started to lose my mind under stress, and I kept reliving bad moments in my life, and I had no control over it.  When you have PTSD, you get a line of memories at once, and they tangle within one another.  I ended up with a bunch of misattributed memories.  I already had schizophrenia and have for a while.  That confused me.  I think being delusional kept me from killing myself.

Anyway, back to being blurred...

I thought Putin was my father, and then later I thought he was God, and then later we were hitched.  They messed with that.  Let me foot lick by myself, thanks, Marilyn Manson. 

I said some things about the US in general, but I was squeaking about my issues underneath.  They let the disease keep burning me and helped it along, too.  They pulled meaning from my gibberish and condemned me. 

Why is everything so personal? 

They are only doing it for themselves, or they would have done it when I started to fail in the army.  They would help the boy who recently killed himself.  However, they just can't let me wander around until I die.  I must be punished, oh master. LOL

https://www.madinamerica.com/2017/03/psychiatric-hegemony-marxist-theory-mental-illness/  crazy people.

My abusive, government overlords need to just do thier jobs

So, I take pills to try to minimize my interaction with the psychotronic people.  Last night, they broke through and yelled at me that I am nothing.  Very angry people, probably the FBI (issues have they).  Not enough love as children, I'm sure.

I respond to people calling me, "a pile of shit."  Being a nobody won't break my skin.  I'm used to it. 

 You guys did brain surgery on me that made me more apathetic and less sensitive.  Therefore, your evil words don't affect me. 

What did you think would happen?

You can't have your cake and eat it, too, guys.  I only cared in Virginia because I was young.  You couldn't have helped me then?  You know, it's not all about your value system, guys.  It's about making society stronger and healthier, not reducing people to foot lickers.

I'd still take settlement after all that, Putin

You know you were wrong. 

Yeah, my family pulled this on me

Luckily, they are taking care of my brother.  You live, you learn. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQNLTMkmpTM 

Both of my parents have taken responsibility for what happened to me.  I know I had some issues, too.

Let's not rinse and repeat.

In other news, I've been linked to "whothefuckcares?" Obviously, this person cares a lot.  I don't do anything for views. 

Class Wars and a Problem with Free Speech and Rich Assholes With Eyes: One Has to Stop

So, I know nobody reads my blog.  Well, they don't for the most part.  Some of you who spend a few seconds on me come from a porn site.  Why do you think they made that a weapon of the night? It's an instinct. 

I'm a freak bitch, baby.  It's a problem for us.

Speaking of instincts, the usual caste crashers are being slaughtered or zombiefied.  They feel pain as they fight their world along with all the abuse they put up with being from a lower socioeconomic status, struggles they've had.  The rich have made it a priority to catch certain people and prevent them from moving the world.  They'll make us pure at heart, or so stupid we can't chew gum. 

"Nothing Really Matters" ~ Madonna  We'll all be flesh robots.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAVx9RKaLPU

They use what they say and justify declawing them.  They keep their places that way.  Damn tomas. 

They're all hot about the world now, thinking they can save it or stop the wheel just because they have built a supercomputer, and they have foresight in some ways.  They defend their interests without thinking about the whole.  Even with that, they'll learn they have to burn us sometimes, certain people or groups.

If the upperclasses would stop watching us, we'd be fine.  They're being wolves now or spoiled children.  They know just what to look for when you "confess" to have feelings like our fake stars. 

Why I Stay Single and Will Not Have Children

First off, I'd like to say I'm not a golddigger.  You can ask my ex.  I'm just not big into hobos.  I became a footlicker once.  Shame on me.  Get up!  I used to blush a lot, and I've been destroyed by silly games.  I'm scared of many males these days.

However, I will not have the resources to care for children, especially in my class when I work.  It's almost impossible.  I'd have to work 2-3 jobs and put my kid in daycare.  The state would essentially raise my child.  What is the point?

They blame the woman for leaving the man, but the man often has eyes for younger pieces, money or a thrill.  I'm a rose, and it's my thorn. 

Secondly, many members of my family are idiots or mentally ill.  The nice versions of us, and we aren't sweethearts, spend all day on the internet barking at the government.  We act younger and, well, give up the game. 

Thirdly, I helped raise my siblings.  I know what it takes to be a mommy, and I don't think I could do it now.  My memory is bad along with cognition.  I couldn't even take care of my braces.

And lastly, I'd be an opprobrium, even more than I am now.  I would depend on charity even more, and I don't want to raise my baby in the US where it will get a lobotomy for a tantrum or disagreement with a classmate. 

I'm sorry.  I know I'm insane.  We still should have rights and go to court.

Waste of Resources

Special Ed is like living Hell unless you're a vegetable.  My delusions saved me somewhat. 

They always blame us for things, and they use us for stupid causes that drain money.  In HS, I first went to an algebra 2 class where we colored, 'a class with in a class' on chemistry where we watched videos.  That teacher let me go to the library instead of to lunch and the class many days.  He was funny.  I had him for Geology as well.  He would get up there and say how he was teaching the one person who was listening.  He gave up every semester.  No teacher likes that job, but he wasn't abusive about it.

The system needs to change and push us into careers, kind of like Germany does. I'm not saying their system is perfect, but yeah.

For the love of God, children are still developing, and the brain can make up for shortcomings if intervention is done early enough.  However, wasting efforts on academic core classes is stupid.  It was like a "home of your own."  You'd have to be snorting crack to think those people could afford a house. They use us to suck funds from the government.  It's like how people who "help" with poverty take up so many resources.

My life is chaotic and unpredictable.

Same with school.

The problem is they squeeze us into a closet without windows, give us extra work, test the living shit out of us, and we are to bow to other students who are deserving of education.  We also have teachers who have to work with a hundred of different disabilities and have to be able to teach all subjects. 

I like to read textbooks, and I have a few obsessions due to abuse.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/devos-disabilities-web-site_us_58a0fd7ae4b094a129ec35b8

And, yes, I know some people will mature and be able to handle normal subjects.  That's why civilizations need things like the "Open University" in the UK.  Plus, you can work through textbooks on your own.  If you turn out to be a genius, then you'll just have to accept life isn't always fair.  Some get pushed under the rug for whatever reason.  We all have to fight to be free.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVIh1MFWDVw I'm a failure... Damn Jamaican Eclipse. 

Disabilitiy abuse is rampant in society

I have to have my grandma stand up for me, or I will lose.  People will ignore the horrible things they do to me.  It was like with the VA.  I called the hospital and asked to speak with someone about making a pamphlet about the fact mentally ill people are not immortal.  We can suffer from injuries, too.  They gave me a lawyer, and I was like, "I'm not going to sue you..."  She was like, "You don't have the money to sue me."  Rude.

Teachers would tell the other students I needed special help, and it made me even more of a loser.  The kids used to put an "L" on their forehead when I was around them.  Rude.

Good thing I was delusional, or I would have killed myself.  My family went through hard times in HS, and my school was anything but empathetic.  For example, when my stepdad had heart problems, I had to stay home until my grandparents arrived because they were little.  The teachers docked me participation points, and the attendance woman threatened me.  Mom actually stood up for me that time from the ER.

But I cannot stand up for myself.  I will be crushed.

I had this wonderful Orchestra teacher who made me sit in the back of the classroom and write papers about composures instead of giving me an issued violin that the district was supposed to give students who didn't have their own instruments.  I had one, but its bridge broke.  Like I said, we went through tough times when I was in HS.  She embarrassed the living shit out of me.  I know I have NO musical talent.  However, she could have taken me to the office to get in another class.  I know I hurt her ears, but she was rude.

When I worked, my managers would schedule me during times I asked off, like to take a test.  I managed As and Bs at first. However, my reaction to cold weather eventually got to me, and I couldn't make it to school anymore.  I have a ton of sympathy grades.  I give up. 

In the army, the males came after me.  I was young, and their head games messed with me.  Now I"d be like, "Whatever."  Anyway, they need to force men and women to go into the army after HS.  If there were more women, it wouldn't be as much of a problem.  Other countries do it.  My sergeant stood up for me though.  I couldn't help the schizophrenia.  He really tried to bring me back to Earth, but it didn't work.

As far as C goes, we got into a fight over a boy.  I told her he asked me on a date when he'd been messing with her, and she blamed me inside. A lot of other people gave her Hell.  She eventually bloomed out of it.  She's a lot stronger than I am.  Sorry. I'm bleeding with my wounds.  Stupid music.  I froze for a while.  In the first ward, it was a three day nap.  I asked the staff, and they said they've had people do that all of the time and some for thirty days.  She didn't understand why I reacted so much.  I'm trying to make my masters happy.  Regression and obsession.  I like pink ponies.

If they cared, why didn't they give my neurotic ass a lobotomy then?  No, they wait for me to be total trash after chasing and raping me over and over--and other things. Chasing me, using weapons, making me dumber.  Anyway, I thought she was after me and blew up.  I should have been reported by CID a long time before I was.  I don't know why the FSB didn't turn me in either.  We had to do the movie and songs. Pump up the volume in an ordinary day.  I love you, baby.   You're my daddy.  I have teeth now, and there's more of me to love.

I was off my rocker.  It is relevant, and it's a good excuse, C.  People who aren't mentally ill don't get the loss of will we experience.  they have to confront us.  CBT will help us. Other countries do that, too.   You can't drug an elephant to do calculus.  We try to.

Now that I have a mental illness noted, I attract even more pleasant things.  If I disagree, I'm ill.  Oh well.

PS about the music... Even if you think I'm just feeling sorry for myself (happened later because I got addicted to emotion), abused people will have a reaction.  I split away from myself to try to follow my programming.  Deathstars  get me then.   This is totally corrupt.  You can't win.

Putin tried to get me to kill myself--his government is voting against it

It's okay, you aren't the first, buddy.  I did think you were God, glorious, and I was nothing.  Congrats, you got a claw in my back that has tortured me for a long time.  You've blocked me by attacking my computer if I come by.  You are creative.

It's unhealthy for me to see you.  You make me aggressive, even numbed.  You're an asshole.  I already have one of my own.  I don't need another.

People have been trying to get me to kill myself for a long time.  At one point in my life, I was in so much pain that I wanted it to stop.  I tried to get the cops to kill me when I had that headache.  Then my schizophrenia got so bad I sprayed blood on the walls and did the head banging (psychotronic people didn't help).  The punk came into the bathroom and put his hand in my face.  That was inappropriate.  I never said anything.  They used Putin against me, the machines.  I would have told him to "fuck off" otherwise.  Excuse my language today.

They were giving me advice.  Bitch.

The thing with suicide is that it's a personal choice.  There are plenty of ways to die, and if you really want to, you can do it. You don't need Breaking Benjamin and his "poetry." Spells. You aren't a bad person for being expensive.

Anyway, every time I've tried to kill myself, I haven't said a word until I was in the final moments.  My body betrayed me though, and it shut off my brain in self-preservation.  Maybe I'm a part of a zooit. 

And I get that Grimes wants to help, and some of the others, too, but there are many others who are using us.  One has to be careful with Zoroastrianism.  It's a wicked world, especially in the US.  We're too incited.  You guys could probably make a difference if you set up clinics.  I know you're too busy fighting the drug companies.  As I've said a billion times, brain adjustments will be like getting braces in the future.

I usually try to use my creativity to solve problems

I joke, but I'm not funny.  The FBI has been chilling me for a while by slipping in sentences I didn't write, like to Lana Del Rey.  I never used her.  I love her though.  I follow patterns, so it's easy to tell when I am not speaking.

The KIA has had to do some shit though, to survive.

As far as the FBI goes, we haven't had a good relationship. I tried to report about the video and all the people attacking me.  The FBI is like a wife beater.  They go above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to dealing with someone.  The CIA woman annoyed me. 

Good thing I don't pay taxes.

I wrote two books and a short story.  I put them up to laugh at them and their new "religion."  I'm going to get slaughtered by them mortally and spiritually.  I might as well have fun.  That's what I decided in Virginia when they were all over me.  Let's go, fellows!

Also, 

I've been accused of namedropping, but they put me in their videos and songs.  Do you like that? Do you want to play a game with me, Marilyn Manson?

Face me.

I thought Putin might have been punishing me for the C incident as well.  I found the punishment inappropriate, as I'm schizophrenic.  I'm not saying I was good to do that. I asked her if she wanted to go to court, but she said, "no." 

No one has asked me that.  Gotta love being a pariah.  I'm damaged from them.  C isn't.

Instead of enduring an unconstitutional beating of the soul and mind, I wish they would have done some CBT with me.  Other countries do.  They have better outcomes with their schizophrenic patients.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iS8sqgBgzG8

"We don't have to live like this."

Attention Whoring

I am often called an attention whore.  Stick to the name.  Anyway, if I exist at all, people will say that I'm craving attention.  I was kind of neurotic in the military when I got into it with Strawberrydrink, the mathematician. 

I don't agree with you, Kaela.

Shut up, Kaela!

It's like, well then stay away from me.  I talk to soda cans and walls.  Did you see my picture on YouTube?  It's from isolation, like the beach ball on castaway.

Other people are lovely as well.

I don't have very good social skills.  I think I spoke three words in HS altogether to avoid being attacked and the threat of the room: special ed room.  I kept a group of friends around me so that I would attract negative attention.  They turned out to be great.  Like so many others, thank God I'm not in HS anymore.

 I am a failure at being an adult.

Well, whatever, don't pay attention to me if you think I'm an attention whore.  Instead, they react in the same way they accuse me of being bad.

I have bad karma.  I'm screwed this lifetime.  I'll come back as a T-rex and rule the jungle with my big mouth.

Another Annoyance

Eat of shiva!

Trade Snowden for Kaela!

Eddie is even dumber than I am.  I'm not sure if that's a compliment.  I want to be smart like a rock.  Now I'm just fat and bones.

Let's start:

“No country trades away spies, as the rest would fear they’re next,” he said.

Spies have different worth and agendas.  It's like playing chess.  You kill the pawns, no problem.  The only way there is hope for you is if you have skills they can use.  Then they'll convert you.

I'm screwed.  Eddie couldn't argue with the experts in Russia.  That's why you don't break the chain.  +coughs at Putin addressing me+  Real just.

Eddie can come do my year in Virginia.  Torture chamber comes to you, no laws.  Next time, I'll tell Putin to google it, no big secret, lots of loafers.  He has a minor phobia of the internet.  I think my current face reaffirms his fears. 

Honestly, how much did Putin thank God we aren't related?  At least I'm not partaking in incest.

Anyway..

Even leaving the USA with some information in your brain could be espionage.  I guarantee you the Russians looked into his mind and got all his passwords, hacked and are happy. 

Why did they feel the need to torment me?  I didn't flee.  I told them over and over again.  I couldn't help my mind being infested with a virus.  I didn't try to escape.  I even wrote it on RT so that I'd be arrested.  I was tired of them. 

It's always me.

And I want you to know, Putin, that you had no business doing that.  You gave yours 6 years.  I didn't sell Putin information.  As far as how he treated me with coldness, I don't even do that to my hobo suitors.  Respect something, don't make me dirty and destroyed.  I am human.

http://nypost.com/2017/02/10/russia-considers-returning-snowden-to-us-as-gift-to-trump-report/

Freedom of Squeaks!

In the US, we're often told we have freedom of speech and freedom of protest, but you can't really say everything you want to because you're connected into the system.  If you call someone a "nigger," you can expect a box with your stuff in it the next day. 

We must eat. 

Here, we are also trained to be chaotic and confusing, or we used to be.  We're having a few definers wreck the place for themselves.  That's who I'd go after in the KIA: Kaela's Intelligence Agency.

And world peace.

Now we run into a few problems with freedom of speech. One, the higher classes are going to go after the lower classes, and they know what to look for and what is competition by words.  They will exploit the poor and slaughter the usual class crashers. 

We're better.


Another issue that drives me nuts is the middle class of Disney movies.  Call them civilized, if you want.  They will be social justice warriors and base everything on their peace or lifestyle.  When they apply it to the world, they look "special." 

Been there, done that.  It's so "fair" and "polite."

I'm sure I'm to blame for their mushroom clouds, too, especially the ones they ingest

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTLTXDHrgtw


Grimes won't even let us talk on her video.  The way they are doing this is so dumb.  They have to do tricks.  If they weren't corrupt, she'd gain ten pounds, as she's obviously anorexic. 

She's saving the planet on retard at a time.  I know I'm a threat to global peace, but they don't want to put in the work of being elected, dealing with corruption or having to take responsibility for their actions.  I mean, they left me with so much pain for 8.5 months.  They "care."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGfwHuWx5as "You love the way I look at you while taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through." --LP

I wish all of you a slow and painful death.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXTKDwbLatk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVWazHTunSI&list=RDwVWazHTunSI "remember who you really are." 

I am very, very, very weak

I've made the mistake that Michael Jackson did a few times. He wrote a song. It's called listen to, "Beat it!"

You won't win.  Most people think they can talk themselves out of anything. LOL  The world isn't so civil.

If you don't run, bow and cower you will be destroyed.  I tried to escape this time, but I couldn't run fast enough. 

I have no ties into the system, have few friends, I'm a parasite (because I'm not allowed to compete), my voice is meaningless, and I'm bones and flesh.  I will break to pieces if force is applied.

Nobody will care.  They're trained to drug me.

Watching protests is weird to me.  It's also weird to see people have differing beliefs, and they stand up and nothing bad happens to them.  Meanwhile, I get to enjoy a session of "Beat It' if I attempt to stand for anything.  According to Madonna from "A Bedtime Story," I'll never explain again.  Where's my opinion book and slotted profession?

Next time: I'm hungry and cold.  Big time explaining there.  Oh, and I thought Putin was pretty cool.  He also sent the "Beat it!" people.  He couldn't be nice to me, okay.

I kind of want to die, but I don't want them to kill me.  I know I hurt them more by being expensive.  No, I'm not planning suicide.  This isn't a suicide note.  I'm just tired of it all.  If I die, nobody will care, but if someone reads this, know I didn't kill myself. 

Always Afraid I'm Going to Shoot Them--I Will Delete This Tomorrow

blah, blah

I Feel You, Buddy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJNO97u8XGc

We look like we have full expression, but inside we're nearly hollow.  I like to laugh and cry, even though I can't feel it much.  I'd rather be the poorest woman on Earth than feel this way.  I want the five million dollars (after taxes) and the house (after taxes) 6563 South Riverbridge Rd, Springfield, MO. 65810, and I want to spend the rest of my life there.  lalalalala

Burning Benny (Breaking Benjamin) is still doing those fancy suicides and killing children who are cancer patients to be cheap.  I get free brain surgery.  They cared about me so much they let me be in severe pain for 8.5 months in my head. 

Thanks...  You want us to be robotic slaves... Madonna is spreading her legs for that one--or just anyone at this point.  Sad Clinton didn't get in?  Now you're nothing.

It doesn't take much.

If Benny were so powerful, why not take my check?  I tried to give it back on my first appointment.  Unfortunately, I'm obviously schizophrenic, and it didn't last long.  I used to not be able to get out of the hospital by myself.  Those days are blurry, but yeah.  Then psychopath starts setting up the suicide plot.  I already know all the horrible things said about me.  I've been that way my whole life.  I stick to myself usually.  I had a crush on Putin, and I was almost healthy getting my diet coke from the bar and walking along the street, but, no, that would have been too kind for me.

When they threatened my family, I let them do more to me.  I shouldn't have.  They have no morals.  They'll do whatever anyway. 

Should have done that first, Benny, and not wasted our tax dollars on stupid games.  I know he was mad about the Xanga "sacrifice" comment I made.  I was tired, young and very, very stressed out.  I said I was "sorry."  Humans make mistakes.  Then the blog, then the movie, then the cowards should hump themselves.  They took me out of context. lalala

Putin made it worse by putting that picture of me up after a firing squad.  I'm so evil that I don't even get a hood.  You could have found that info on the web or academia.  But no, I am Satan.  They kept giving me dreams where Putin was smiling at my suicide, how he didn't want me to read or go to school, how he was in love with so and so.  I melted.  He then broke my heart again.  I'm stuck with the bastard now.  Go ahead, spies, make me pay some more for what I couldn't help.

Misguided Feelings Towards Lindsay Lohan

I am plagued by the higher ups.  They're usually trying to use or shoot me.  There's a lot of drama, to say the least.  It's happened quite a bit since I'm targeted and chased for being an invalid.  It happens after the usual, ritual sacrifice (long story, but people use me to distract from themselves).

Pin the tail on the donkey.  So I'm not allowed to love?  I miss that feeling.  Why are they trying to save us?  I go in circles in society.  They are so disorganized they can't figure out whether to kill me or save me.

LEAVE ME ALONE!

I've escaped several times, but I'm not able to get past Putin because that was a final blow, and it bothered me a lot because I liked him.  I was weak and trying to get my brain back to normal, and he had to come in and destroy it.  Why?  I don't even know you. 

Burn me like the others. I usually laugh it off, but they creamed my brain.

I'm annoyed when I see someone like Lohan total herself and still not be killed or harmed, to be allowed to be beautiful while I'm "vain" if I like myself, which I did for a while because I was cute.  All I did was bloom.  Now that's over.

Thank God.

  I get to hear over and over again how unimportant I am while they give me their undivided attention.

No, I don't want to be famous, and I don't want to visit foreign leaders.  I want to be left alone for the most part.  People scare me.

I want the settlement from Putin and to hide.

Make Grimes eat 5 hamburgers until she's at a healthy weight.  We all have problems, and mine are not any of your business.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aqp3Ic8iwWE

Fighting for Pennies: Putin, I Want the House and Cash

While I had my memory...

Anyway, I made this post where I reasoned it out.  Putin had some involvement, or he wouldn't have named his dog "Buffy."  He has also deleted the evidence when he's immune anyway.  I figured I became a joke: http://bs55.blogspot.com/2012/04/so-ive-learned-that-these-things-have.html.

Thanks for helping. NOT!

I know the people behind American Mind Control will never face me, as they attacked me in the dark and ignored the law and decency.  If they were really doing it to help humanity, they wouldn't be childish about it and would visit us without a sound or mark or scratch.  They're sending things out like "The Fallen" and harassing us. 

It's unbelievable. 

They've messed with me quite a bit.  I want peace.

https://www.yahoo.com/finance/news/the-most-corrupt-countries-in-the-world-214657624.html do you want to be honest about this? 

People with Missing Parts

http://world.time.com/2013/01/14/the-blind-girl-vs-putin-a-plea-for-russias-handicapped-orphans/

So, this blind girl wrote to Putin over the adoption ban.  She is blind and needs assistance, and Russia can't provide it.   They think it will be better over here, and it would be if not for the music.

We're fake here.  Our good is a mirage.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97S66xee0U8 It's so deep... shit.

They keep trying to kill us.  Yes, it's true in Russia as well.

In Russia, you have Tatu's "Invalidy," and we have "The Bitter End" and "Special Needs" by Placebo.  There are a lot of other gangs.

They are also all over the VA.

In the beginning, I had one agent on me who said he was going to follow me, and so I stayed in Virginia and tortured for a year.  Given that they can see in our minds, they saw I needed help, but it's all about their show, a grand one.

They are sick.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qCYabLy1ic <--my song to them.

Phases of mental illness are interesting.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZpJSo7e2ZQ

Not a Pretty Face

Madonna says sweet words that stand for nothing.  She talks about marginalized people, yet she fails to mention what her old fart ass does to others without their consent or a court order.  My brain had serious issues before that, too. 

1+1=2

Now my memory is in the severely impaired range, and I'm even worse off. 

No accountability.  Do you want to give me a nice house and five million dollars (both after taxes), Madonna?  Putin sure didn't.  And those are the people I have to fight in this world.  Putin is not exactly a model of love and kindness.

I'm getting sick of this nonsense. 

Yes, it's me, and they'll make it all about me (Placebo's "Special Needs") emmememememe  Well, forgive me for being young and wanting a future.  I hate when they tell kids it could be worse.  They tricked me with a corpse.  Now they use my rotting body to inspire others. LOL

I didn't understand I was different back then, and I kind of sunk into denial.  When I started hearing voices, they didn't bother to help but punished me, and I was like, "This isn't me."  I was cold, starving and alone. 


It's all for them.  Drown me out, like the others.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKhVp--feJk

To the singers, "SHUT UP!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvsMPOfblfg

Again?

So, Obama used to the Special Olympics, Bush saw a retarded man be put to death for killing an agent, and Trump makes fun of the disabled.

Being disabled is not easy.  I struggle with it every day.  I don't mind a joke here or there, like when I start talking to voices (not happening currently). 

The other kids made me feel like a part of their team with nicknames.  I was the sneaker of the playground, fully employed by the boss who wanted his soda and cakes.  I can be shady, too.  The principal of the school eventually had me escorted to every class.  It took them over two years to notice me absent from certain classes, as I would say I needed extra help in the special room, and I walked off for lunch. 

The teachers often hated me more than the kids.  They sent me to the center constantly.  I'd run off and get some lemon cake at the coffee shop.  The king of the playground got into a fight with a teacher when they forced me to take off my leather jacket (it had a map inside, which I thought was awesome).  The teacher gave it back.

Anyway, what's annoying is that agents will come straight for you, thinking they have an easy kill.  It's a cliché in my life.  I go limp these days.  They have control, and I'm not going to win.  I have to squeal a little for their vanity.  Life goes on.  I wish they would have left me alone.

Never!

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/answer-sheet/wp/2017/01/20/trump-white-house-takes-down-website-pages-about-disabilities/?utm_term=.f78b9daa4490

Sorry, Putin, my brain is trash

I see I had better reason back in the day.  I'm kind of stupid now.  I wish they would have arrested me instead of play games.  That's why I did it in the first place. 

I can't ask for a settlement from them because they're invisible cowards.  I told them over and over again.

I didn't hide.  I've been blaming Putin because my mind is so messed up.  I can't always tell up from down.

Sorry, Putin, if you want to give me five million dollars (after taxes) and the house (after taxes) as a nice gift, I won't knock you! ;)  Originally, I didn't mean offense.  My body and mind got into a fight over that.  I was getting ready to make little Kaelas, which I'm sure the world would love --not!  I spoke against you trying to hide my will.


I love you :( 

The heat of a dead fire

I write these blogs to myself.  Well, I do for the most part.  I do get a little excited when I get views from a .ru site.  I'm a fan of Russia, and I love Putin now.  I've learned not to get my hopes up.  Most of that stuff is porn.  I clicked it once in error, but I can pretend.

I know that I was not very mature in my early twenties.  I'm not saying I am all knowing now, but I was blinded by many things.  I don't like how Putin rushed in and made a mess of all I had.  He's way above me, and his influence has meaning.  I know to him I'm a housefly by his coffee.  I'm annoying.  I want the settlement and house after taxes, so I can have something, too.  I've been taken out of the game, and I'll never recover from those blows.

You didn't have to make it worse, Putin.  I needed time to develop. 

The real.  The static.  The nothing.

I know you are, but what am I?

Many people have gotten me to things against my interests by saying I should move past myself.  I find the ones who are telling this don't practice what they preach.  It is all about me anyway.  If I don't matter, why hurt me?  Sick fucks.  They do not know what they steal.  Placebo is yelling at the broken.  And yes, some of it was my fault, but they took it to extremes.  Normally I compromise. I stay in hell, but get Prozac, Diet Coke and get to write and read.  I like to write and explore the world through reading.  I lost my motivation for society a long time ago, so buzz off. Sorry this is a blob.  I'm writing from my phone.

Anger management, narcissism and being entitled

Well, I am called lots of things.  I admit to a few.

Anyone who has known me knows that I'm fairly laid back.  Some might regard it as laziness or idle behavior, but I know better than to put forth a bunch of effort for nothing.  I occasionally write a book or read a text.  Then I go back to typing and zee internet.

It's taken me a long time to deal with internal anger, however, because there were a lot of things that were wrong with me and the people around me.  When I sent my first, lovely note to gorgeous and smart, A, I was freezing in my apartment.  Now, you're like, "Well, you grew up in the middle class.  What about your family?"  I'm not going to get too personal here, as I usually do.  There is a reason--or several. 

The psychotronic people are taking surface evaluations of me. 

Fear has been used against me for a long time.  I'm happy I have Nonna as an advocate now because people will get away with murder in regards to what they'll do to me.  I talked to a woman at the VA, a lawyer.  I started out the conversation, "I'm not going to sue you, but I want you to know and not do it again.." To which I got the reply, "You don't have any money to sue me." 

It reminds me of school.  When you're a kid, you look to authority figures to help you or listen to them.  Mine were on a fucking crusade when it came to me.  Mom has gotten better about this, but she left me out to dry.  I was too young to know how to censor those feelings, so I kept them inside.  I hadn't matured all the way. 

Also, many people who have dealt with "special needs" children know it's heartbreaking to put a camera on them.

I used to run miles upon miles to loosen the pain within.  I hoped it would get better, but it doesn't.

As far as shooting other children goes, I never wanted to.  I wanted them to stop messing with my brain (though they're using my insecurity to justify themselves).  To make it worse, after the injuries, they left me there, and I had a headache, A HEADACHE, that wouldn't stop for 8.5 months.  Then, when the pressure released, I was having a hard time staying conscious, and they were so mean.


You don't know what they did to me. 

I just want a nice house and the settlement.  It's all I'm asking for.  No, I'm not looking for attention.  I want peace. 

My Friends are Icons

I've never been a charmer or great in relationships. 

I lost most of my kid friends, which I understand.  We are different now, different people, places and things in front of the camera.

I'm ugly, too.  I mean that in the most respectful way.  I was not given good genes or something.  I am on Weight Watchers now, but I'll never be beautiful, perhaps just cute.  I shouldn't moan too much.  When I bloomed, it was difficult for me to function at work, the army and school.  I've avoided marriage and a family (a miracle).  I did that with noble intentions.  I mean, I'm screwed up; why would I want to bring a kid into it? 

I don't like watching people break their mirrors.  It's a fault line for me.  Competition for resources was fierce when I entered the game, and I don't have much to offer.  Now they're all getting fucked, making babies and listening to the man, and they'll live and die with their pleasing natures. 

I hate my generation.

Breaking bulletproof glass from them... 

When I first moved out on my own, I was extremely overworked and lonely.  I used to work for friends, do nice things, but I was pretending I had them.  My sister kept saying, "They never call."  She liked to rub it in at first.  In some ways, she became protective over me, once  I bowed to her dominance.

She's a queen.  She is the boss. I think she's half-cat.

Anyway...

Over the years, I've learned to rest in solitude, looking in ponds, to watch for nature's gifts beyond my reflection.  I've grown into myself.  I talk to old people, people who know the game.  Their worn out years have given them spunk, wit and peace.  Many have shitty kids who abuse them, dead husbands, and they have all sorts of issues that made them more alive as they near death. 

So many good stories not made of flimsy film.